My poor husband......he felt such shame...he didn't want to leave the house...go to church...see anyone...When our friends came over to check on me..(and there were so very many who did, we were so blessed with loving friends), I made sure to tell them to love HIM up...I turned there attention from me to him. He needed their love and forgiveness to feel whole again. I wanted him to feel loved. Our friends took their cue from me. If I could forgive and love him completely then so would they!
My mother was in a care facility and I remember telling her about my husband's having an affair. She was not doing well and had lost the will to live but she did have the presence of mind to comment..."the asshole!" My father on the other hand was quite flippant and just said, 'men will do that, it will be fine.'
My husband was struggling at work. One night there was a bachelor party gone bad. All the law enforcement was called to the scene. My husband said, (in front of EVERYONE), 'let's just line them all up and shoot them!' Needless to say his superior officer relieved him from duty.
Someone had the cool head to ask me about his guns...I had his Lt. check his locker for his service weapon and another good friend came and took his gun that he kept at home.
My husband was out on disability. He was NOT handling that well. It was his identity and being out of work was just plain HARD! He began to develop many symptoms. He had severe pain all over. He described it like something was hammering on his bones. He was so weak he could not hold a cup of coffee. He itched all over! He was a mess. I lovingly nursed him and took him to all kinds of doctors and specialist to find out what was wrong with him. Each doctor had a different diagnosis and with every diagnosis my husband would get on the computer and read about the illness...he would then develop more symptoms....
He was seeing our counselor and another doctor who prescribed all kinds of medications to 'help him'. Mood elevators, anger management, anti-anxiety...you name it...he lost days at a time...he would fall asleep in the middle of dinner or the middle of bible study....
The doctors knew what they were doing....everything was going to be okay...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Beginning
My husband is gifted in writing. He wrote a beautiful letter explaining how he realized how much he loved me and that he was sorry for making a mistake...yada, yada, yada....
We went to his office hand in hand. It was the weekend and no one was there. We left the letter in her office and reclaimed all the places they were 'together'. Not fun for me!
I was clinging and insecure...just needed to touch him, make sure he was there...so concerned about him going back to work the following day and his being with HER.
God does have an incredible sense of humor. You will see evidence of this throughout my story.
I woke up concerned about this poor girl who is in love with my husband. She was going to get this letter and would be all alone...sad and hurt. I called her best friend to give her a heads up to be there for her. I knew how I had felt and didn't want her to be alone. Her friend denied that they were having an affair....then conceded and said, 'poor ________ ! after all she has gone through now this!' This POOR GIRL was breaking up my family....and she was sorry for her! Needless to say...this person and I are no longer friends.
So started driving to the councilor twice a week. He went back to work with her. I was working part time and my son...my poor son was in 8th grade...his poor teachers!
I was handling everything just fine....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We went to his office hand in hand. It was the weekend and no one was there. We left the letter in her office and reclaimed all the places they were 'together'. Not fun for me!
I was clinging and insecure...just needed to touch him, make sure he was there...so concerned about him going back to work the following day and his being with HER.
God does have an incredible sense of humor. You will see evidence of this throughout my story.
I woke up concerned about this poor girl who is in love with my husband. She was going to get this letter and would be all alone...sad and hurt. I called her best friend to give her a heads up to be there for her. I knew how I had felt and didn't want her to be alone. Her friend denied that they were having an affair....then conceded and said, 'poor ________ ! after all she has gone through now this!' This POOR GIRL was breaking up my family....and she was sorry for her! Needless to say...this person and I are no longer friends.
So started driving to the councilor twice a week. He went back to work with her. I was working part time and my son...my poor son was in 8th grade...his poor teachers!
I was handling everything just fine....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Faithful Friends
Sorry this has taken so long for me to get back to. This is the tough stuff!!! From here on so much happened so fast that I am trying to figure out how to get it all down. I am awful at time line so.... I have a tendency to forget all the bad... a survival technique for sure!
That day...that awful day....God would put the people in my mind that I needed to call. He surrounded me with faithful friends that could minister to both my husband and myself.
My poor son! I did have the presence of mind to take care of him...a mom thing thank goodness. He was 13 and some of our other great friends took him until things...calmed down.
One of our friends took my husband up to the mountain and prayed with him. While they were gone I was surrounded with the love and prayers of many friends.
When my husband got home we contacted a wonderful Christian counselor. He fit us in first thing the following morning...a God thing for sure!!! My husband wanted to fix things...to get well...he would do anything....
Not so the next morning! He woke up angry...so very angry! He didn't want to go...it was too hard...he just wanted to be with her... I didn't know what to do...who to call... My pastor pulled into the parking lot right then...I knew God had sent him! I ran out and explained that my husband was struggling...he was too busy to come....
I finally got my husband to go. He yelled and screamed and cussed at me all the way to the appointment, one hour! Fun trip! We were both stressed by the time we arrived.
My husband told his story, (at least what he wanted the councilor to know). The councilor took a deep breath and said, "what are you STUPID?" I will love that man forever!!!!
He let my husband talk and me cry. My husband....loving husband, asked what he was supposed to do with his 'feelings'. This wise man told him they were only feelings and would pass...he told him to write her a letter and that I was to read it and we would deliver it to her office together. Then we were to go to all the places where they had been together and reclaim them...we were to hug and kiss and make them ours...
We had a game plan.. everything was going to be okay! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????.
That day...that awful day....God would put the people in my mind that I needed to call. He surrounded me with faithful friends that could minister to both my husband and myself.
My poor son! I did have the presence of mind to take care of him...a mom thing thank goodness. He was 13 and some of our other great friends took him until things...calmed down.
One of our friends took my husband up to the mountain and prayed with him. While they were gone I was surrounded with the love and prayers of many friends.
When my husband got home we contacted a wonderful Christian counselor. He fit us in first thing the following morning...a God thing for sure!!! My husband wanted to fix things...to get well...he would do anything....
Not so the next morning! He woke up angry...so very angry! He didn't want to go...it was too hard...he just wanted to be with her... I didn't know what to do...who to call... My pastor pulled into the parking lot right then...I knew God had sent him! I ran out and explained that my husband was struggling...he was too busy to come....
I finally got my husband to go. He yelled and screamed and cussed at me all the way to the appointment, one hour! Fun trip! We were both stressed by the time we arrived.
My husband told his story, (at least what he wanted the councilor to know). The councilor took a deep breath and said, "what are you STUPID?" I will love that man forever!!!!
He let my husband talk and me cry. My husband....loving husband, asked what he was supposed to do with his 'feelings'. This wise man told him they were only feelings and would pass...he told him to write her a letter and that I was to read it and we would deliver it to her office together. Then we were to go to all the places where they had been together and reclaim them...we were to hug and kiss and make them ours...
We had a game plan.. everything was going to be okay! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Are We Okay?
Okay folks...I am going to try to do this....bear with me!!
Early the morning after I was at the river with my friend, (and I mean EARLY). God woke me up with the words 'are we okay?' running through my head. I woke up my husband and asked him the question that he had asked me many times himself. He took a deep breath and said the words I will never forget....I'm not having an affair....YET... (not true by the way).
I literally fell to the floor...dramatic I know....but really I was in such pain I did not know what hit me. I remember throwing on clothes and leaving crying like I had never cried before. I went to a dear friends home and woke her up. She wisely told me to go home and fight for my husband.
I called the woman he was 'in love with' She was my friend. I supported her 100% when her husband cheated on her! I asked her what was she doing? Breaking up a HAPPY marriage...(I mean we were weren't we). She said 'what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?) I told her I wanted her to stay away from my husband!!! She said, 'okay,' (So I TOOK CARE OF THAT....Right?)
When I got back home God prompted me who to call for support and prayer. My husband had gone to work to let his girlfriend know that he had told me. Her husband also worked at the office. Apparently he had know for quite a while and they had made him promise not to tell me because they wanted to do it.
When my husband came home our pastor and a few close friends were there and they prayed with him. He came out and begged my forgiveness and said he just was 'sick' and it wasn't real and he loved only me....blah, blah, blah.....And I the ever loving, good Christian woman that I was did what any good wife would do...I hugged him and I forgave him and said everything would be alright....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
Early the morning after I was at the river with my friend, (and I mean EARLY). God woke me up with the words 'are we okay?' running through my head. I woke up my husband and asked him the question that he had asked me many times himself. He took a deep breath and said the words I will never forget....I'm not having an affair....YET... (not true by the way).
I literally fell to the floor...dramatic I know....but really I was in such pain I did not know what hit me. I remember throwing on clothes and leaving crying like I had never cried before. I went to a dear friends home and woke her up. She wisely told me to go home and fight for my husband.
I called the woman he was 'in love with' She was my friend. I supported her 100% when her husband cheated on her! I asked her what was she doing? Breaking up a HAPPY marriage...(I mean we were weren't we). She said 'what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?) I told her I wanted her to stay away from my husband!!! She said, 'okay,' (So I TOOK CARE OF THAT....Right?)
When I got back home God prompted me who to call for support and prayer. My husband had gone to work to let his girlfriend know that he had told me. Her husband also worked at the office. Apparently he had know for quite a while and they had made him promise not to tell me because they wanted to do it.
When my husband came home our pastor and a few close friends were there and they prayed with him. He came out and begged my forgiveness and said he just was 'sick' and it wasn't real and he loved only me....blah, blah, blah.....And I the ever loving, good Christian woman that I was did what any good wife would do...I hugged him and I forgave him and said everything would be alright....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
The flirt????
I am sure glad that there are only a couple of you guys reading this!!!! I have never been good at writing...I am sooo not good at this! I talk much better than I write. My memory is not too swift and I think I have a bit of my mom's 'rose-colored glasses' thing going on. I seem to remember the good stuff and try to forget the bad. Trying to put my story into words has been just plain HARD. As I have read over all that I have written so far I feel more than a bit dense! I have always considered myself fairly intelligent but...not so much I think.
When we moved to Northern Ca my husband took over all our finances. Our small town does not have home postal delivery so all mail goes to the post office box. My husband kindly picked up our mail daily and would never 'let me be bothered'. We had been married for 15 years. I trusted him completely. I used to tell him that 'I trusted him with my life'. And I did!!!
Law enforcement personnel seem to have a fatal flaw. They have difficulty maintaining strong marriages. For many reasons I suppose but mostly because of being unfaithful. Over the course of our marriage every time my husband heard of another marriage ending he would always call me from wherever he was, tell me the news and ask me the question, "Are we okay?". I would answer the same way every time, "I'm okay....are we okay?" I would smile and assure him that we were fine.
We had many close couples in our lives where the husband had just up and left their family, for seemingly no good reason. My husband would get so angry at these men! How awful! I was so glad my husband was so loyal and loving...I was truly blessed! Are you kidding me???
We had this awesome life in this little town. We had lots of friends, went to the lake, the river, entertained. What I never noticed was that my husband seemed to be closer to our female friends than their husbands. All of them wanted a guy like mine. He was the best! I saw him flirt with women but I was so confident and secure in our marriage it didn't bother me. Except one. She worked with him and would follow him around
constantly. They were in the office together alone for the first 3 hours of everyday. He would make fun of her about how 'dumb' she was and no work ethic and how lazy she was. BUT...she was having marital problems so he was there for her.... There were a couple of others that concerned me more because of how he talked about her. I told him she was after him and he just blew me off....He even had her house sit our home for us while we were on vacation.
I started to get concerned about my husbands health. He had started to loose a ton of weight and just didn't seem himself. Cancer runs through both sides of his family. I couldn't get him to see a doctor.
I remember going to the river with a girlfriend and I was sharing my concerns with her. I told her I was really worried. I just knew one thing....HE WASN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR! This I knew with certainty because I just knew how much he adored me! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
When we moved to Northern Ca my husband took over all our finances. Our small town does not have home postal delivery so all mail goes to the post office box. My husband kindly picked up our mail daily and would never 'let me be bothered'. We had been married for 15 years. I trusted him completely. I used to tell him that 'I trusted him with my life'. And I did!!!
Law enforcement personnel seem to have a fatal flaw. They have difficulty maintaining strong marriages. For many reasons I suppose but mostly because of being unfaithful. Over the course of our marriage every time my husband heard of another marriage ending he would always call me from wherever he was, tell me the news and ask me the question, "Are we okay?". I would answer the same way every time, "I'm okay....are we okay?" I would smile and assure him that we were fine.
We had many close couples in our lives where the husband had just up and left their family, for seemingly no good reason. My husband would get so angry at these men! How awful! I was so glad my husband was so loyal and loving...I was truly blessed! Are you kidding me???
We had this awesome life in this little town. We had lots of friends, went to the lake, the river, entertained. What I never noticed was that my husband seemed to be closer to our female friends than their husbands. All of them wanted a guy like mine. He was the best! I saw him flirt with women but I was so confident and secure in our marriage it didn't bother me. Except one. She worked with him and would follow him around
constantly. They were in the office together alone for the first 3 hours of everyday. He would make fun of her about how 'dumb' she was and no work ethic and how lazy she was. BUT...she was having marital problems so he was there for her.... There were a couple of others that concerned me more because of how he talked about her. I told him she was after him and he just blew me off....He even had her house sit our home for us while we were on vacation.
I started to get concerned about my husbands health. He had started to loose a ton of weight and just didn't seem himself. Cancer runs through both sides of his family. I couldn't get him to see a doctor.
I remember going to the river with a girlfriend and I was sharing my concerns with her. I told her I was really worried. I just knew one thing....HE WASN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR! This I knew with certainty because I just knew how much he adored me! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Godly Man
My husband was a godly man...no..REALLY!!!! He wasn't always....have no idea if he is now but at one time....
I loved my husband and the only change I would have made was for him to love the Lord. I found men who loved the Lord....truely spiritual leaders ...very attractive. If only my husband loved the Lord...he would be perfect....LOL!!!
He would go to Sunday school but he was not too keen on the whole church thing. Our church was big on Promise Keepers. Each year I would ask him if he would like to go. I would get a typical, 'yeah, right.' and the walk away. One year he stopped, looked me right in the eye and said, 'Okay...' I thought I had heard him wrong but paid right away,,(I knew he would go if it was already paid for!).
I remember listening to it on the radio thinking that he would either get turned on or completely turned off but I knew he would not be able to stay neutral. I prayed...a LOT!!!
He called me and said it was the best thing that ever happened to him!
That started his move into actually LEADING a Promise keepers man's group...the newest Christian leading the group. That was my husband always the best a leader among men....He got involved in working for Promise Keepers on the security team and got to travel to DC! He loved it.
We were both very involved in our church and church family. When we moved north finding a new church family was important to both of us.
We found a church and a community that loved God. We both started individual bible studies and we facilitated a home group every week. We had keys to the church and were involved in everything.
We even helped to do a church plant in our community. My husband was one of the elders! People looked up to him and admired him. Young people would have him mentor them. Young women wanted a husband just like him....What a wonderful Godly man....ARE YOU KIDDING ME????
I loved my husband and the only change I would have made was for him to love the Lord. I found men who loved the Lord....truely spiritual leaders ...very attractive. If only my husband loved the Lord...he would be perfect....LOL!!!
He would go to Sunday school but he was not too keen on the whole church thing. Our church was big on Promise Keepers. Each year I would ask him if he would like to go. I would get a typical, 'yeah, right.' and the walk away. One year he stopped, looked me right in the eye and said, 'Okay...' I thought I had heard him wrong but paid right away,,(I knew he would go if it was already paid for!).
I remember listening to it on the radio thinking that he would either get turned on or completely turned off but I knew he would not be able to stay neutral. I prayed...a LOT!!!
He called me and said it was the best thing that ever happened to him!
That started his move into actually LEADING a Promise keepers man's group...the newest Christian leading the group. That was my husband always the best a leader among men....He got involved in working for Promise Keepers on the security team and got to travel to DC! He loved it.
We were both very involved in our church and church family. When we moved north finding a new church family was important to both of us.
We found a church and a community that loved God. We both started individual bible studies and we facilitated a home group every week. We had keys to the church and were involved in everything.
We even helped to do a church plant in our community. My husband was one of the elders! People looked up to him and admired him. Young people would have him mentor them. Young women wanted a husband just like him....What a wonderful Godly man....ARE YOU KIDDING ME????
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The incredible Hulk!
?We used to laugh as we renamed my husband the Incredible Hulk. This was WAY before the movie, (which I never saw). My husband literally turned into the Hulk....Hulk face and all. When he was angry he CHANGED! He would spit as he yelled...slam doors till the panels fell off...
I would just be silent. No response was the right one. If I left he would say..."thats right run away...thats what you always do...". If I was quiet and said nothing he would yell and say..."why can't you just get mad? Tell me what your thinking?" If I yelled, (which was rare....and I found out quickly NOT the best response)...He would yell louder and get meaner. Soo....I learned to ride it out. It was usually over quickly and he was always sorry....
The kids were 'used' to it. He would ask our daughter, 'what makes me angry/' She always replied with, 'the little things.' It was always the little things that would set him off.
He never physically hurt anyone....I mean he left bruises on my arms a few times but, you know, I bruise easily and he would tell me it was just because I was fragile.
No one ever saw this side off my husband. They always saw the loving, compassionate, fun, godly man. We had complete strangers...(more than once) stop us on the streets to tell us that they loved watching us - we were so in love! Looking back it is ALMOST funny!!!
I do have one friend, my best friend and son's Godmother who saw him for who he was. She has told me that she could never see how I could walk on eggshells all the time. I thought about that. I never saw the egg shells. The good was so good that the bad was just a small thing....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
I would just be silent. No response was the right one. If I left he would say..."thats right run away...thats what you always do...". If I was quiet and said nothing he would yell and say..."why can't you just get mad? Tell me what your thinking?" If I yelled, (which was rare....and I found out quickly NOT the best response)...He would yell louder and get meaner. Soo....I learned to ride it out. It was usually over quickly and he was always sorry....
The kids were 'used' to it. He would ask our daughter, 'what makes me angry/' She always replied with, 'the little things.' It was always the little things that would set him off.
He never physically hurt anyone....I mean he left bruises on my arms a few times but, you know, I bruise easily and he would tell me it was just because I was fragile.
No one ever saw this side off my husband. They always saw the loving, compassionate, fun, godly man. We had complete strangers...(more than once) stop us on the streets to tell us that they loved watching us - we were so in love! Looking back it is ALMOST funny!!!
I do have one friend, my best friend and son's Godmother who saw him for who he was. She has told me that she could never see how I could walk on eggshells all the time. I thought about that. I never saw the egg shells. The good was so good that the bad was just a small thing....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
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